🚔 Garda Linguistique
French Crimes
Every week, Madame Nicola investigates the most shocking crimes committed against the French language. Are you coupable? 👀
Meet Madame Nicola
You may know her from the French Crimes series — the strictest language officer in the country, with zero tolerance for linguistic misdemeanours.
Inside the FrenchExam.ie course, she's slightly nicer. Slightly.
With nearly 20 years of teaching experience and a background as an SEC oral examiner and corrector, she's seen every crime in the book — and she's here to make sure you don't commit them in your Leaving Cert.
The Case Files 🗂️
Fifteen crimes. Fifteen verdicts. All committed by real students. Names have been withheld to protect the coupable.
Case #001
Crime #1
Le Crime: "Je suis 17 ans"
The accused claimed to BE 17 years old. As in, physically made of years. The correct form, j'ai 17 ans, uses avoir — to have — because in French, you have an age. You don't become it.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Use avoir!
Case #002
Crime #2
Le Crime: "Je suis faim"
The accused declared themselves to BE hunger. Not hungry. Hunger itself. A physical embodiment of starvation. The correct form is j'ai faim — I have hunger. Avoir strikes again.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · J'ai faim!
Case #003
Crime #3
Le Crime: "Ce gâteau a besoin d'un préservatif"
The accused requested a condom for their cake. In front of everyone. They meant conservateur — a preservative. Préservatif is a false friend of the most spectacular variety.
⚖️ Verdict: Très coupable · Faux ami!
Case #004
Crime #4
Le Crime: "Mon père est enceinte"
The accused announced that their father is pregnant. A remarkable revelation. Enceinte is exclusively used for women. If you must describe a pregnant family member, make sure it's ma mère.
⚖️ Verdict: Scandalement coupable!
Case #005
Crime #5
Le Crime: "Je vais a France"
The accused attempted to travel to France without the correct preposition. You go en France — not à France. Countries that are feminine take en. La France is very much feminine.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Je vais en France!
Case #006
Crime #6
Le Crime: "Je suis chaud"
The accused announced they were hot — but not in the weather sense. In French, je suis chaud doesn't mean you're warm, it means you're rather more... in the mood. For the weather, it's il fait chaud. For yourself, it's j'ai chaud.
⚖️ Verdict: Très coupable · J'ai chaud!
Case #007
Crime #7
Le Crime: "Je suis excité"
The accused declared themselves excité in front of the whole class. Unfortunately this doesn't mean "excited" — it's a rather more private kind of excitement. Stick to j'ai hâte (I can't wait) or je suis impatient(e).
⚖️ Verdict: Scandaleusement coupable!
Case #008
Crime #8
Le Crime: "Manque toi"
The accused tried to say "miss you" by translating it word for word — a crime committed weekly. Manquer works backwards in French: the person missed is the subject. The correct form is tu me manques — literally "you are missing to me."
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Tu me manques!
Case #009
Crime #9
Le Crime: "Je visite ma grand-mère"
The accused claimed to visit their grandmother as though she were a museum. Visiter is reserved for places and things. To visit a person, you must rendre visite à quelqu'un. The correct form is je rends visite à ma grand-mère.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Rendre visite!
Case #010
Crime #10
Le Crime: "Le pape m'a blessée"
The accused claimed to have been blessed by the Pope. Unfortunately, blesser means to wound, not to bless — so as written, this is actually a report of a papal assault. A truly unholy false friend.
⚖️ Verdict: Très coupable · Faux ami!
Case #011
Crime #11
Le Crime: "Il y a beaucoup des problèmes"
After an expression of quantity like beaucoup de, un peu de, or trop de, the article disappears entirely — no des, no du, no de la. Just de. The correct form is il y a beaucoup de problèmes.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Beaucoup de!
Case #012
Crime #12
Le Crime: "Je suis fini mes devoirs"
The accused attempted to finish their homework using être instead of avoir. Finir takes avoir in the passé composé — no exceptions. The correct form is j'ai fini mes devoirs.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · J'ai fini!
Case #013
Crime #13
Le Crime: "Je suis allé à la plage et il fait beau et j'ai nagé"
The accused told an entire story in the wrong mix of tenses. Events get the passé composé (je suis allé, j'ai nagé), but background description — like the weather — needs the imparfait. The correct form is il faisait beau.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Il faisait beau!
Case #014
Crime #14
Le Crime: "Il y a des gens qui pense que"
The accused left the verb singular after a plural subject. Des gens is plural, so the verb must agree: pensent, not pense. The correct form is il y a des gens qui pensent que.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Accord du verbe!
Case #015
Crime #15
Le Crime: "Il a tombé dans l'escalier"
The accused used avoir with tomber — a classic mistake. Tomber is one of the famous être verbs (the "Dr & Mrs Vandertramp" crew), so it always takes être in the passé composé. The correct form is il est tombé dans l'escalier.
⚖️ Verdict: coupable · Verbe être!
Ne soyez pas coupable!
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